Uncomfortable Silence

I hate to be alone.

I’m sure this is a statement almost everyone can make. In fact, if someone can honestly say they like being alone all the time, I would like to meet him/her. All people were created for fellowship, community, companionship. It wasn’t God’s intention for us to be alone. So, I’ll say it again. I hate to be alone.

I suppose I must qualify this statement. Tranquil “solitude” is not to be confused with “alone.” While the meanings of these words are quite similar, I do not use them in the same way. There is a definite time and place for solitude. Everyone needs it, whether or not they say so. And it is fairly inescapable anyway, much to our benefit. Another being cannot follow you everywhere. And if he/she did, you would soon find you wish him/her to make himself/herself scarce, even for a moment. I’m sure this is testable and verifiable by parents all over the world. 🙂 So, being alone isn’t bad at all. It is something we need. Jesus sought out times of aloneness, so should we.

However, when a person is alone, that is when he hears the loudest noise, when he can truly hear his own heart, and also the heart of God if he’s listening.

I’ll be completely transparent and honest and say that I dislike silence, but only when I’m avoiding something. If I am perfectly comfortable with myself, with God, with my position and place in life, silence is a welcome friend. But when there’s something a person is trying to escape, silence becomes the enemy and every distraction imaginable becomes a new best friend. Why do you think people watch movies or television or read books for reasons other than research or knowledge? Entertainment? That is what society calls it. I dare say it is something else entirely.

It is an escape.

I will be the first to admit that I watch movies and read books and fill my head with mindless television to escape that which is my real life. It is not that my real life is boring, but I am alone. There could be 100 people in our apartment and I would still be alone. “Lonely” would be a more specific and exact word. I say this, not to draw attention and pity to myself, but to get it out in the open in a blatant way to show to myself that I am just as imperfect as anyone else. I have always struggled with perfection, and it has greeted me many times on this area of loneliness. It would be a pretense and lie if I said I am not lonely and do not feel I need companionship.

The great thing about this, knowing myself as well as I do, is that I am not in need of just any companionship. I do not seek or even vaguely desire a relationship with anyone other than the one created for me (praise be to God). It is for him alone that my heart is crying for and crying over. I could say I have been waiting for him all 22 years of my existence, but it would not matter how long I have waited…any amount of time away from one’s love feels like forever, am I right?

I have no reason for writing about this other than to simply write it. There will be no encouraging ending or Christian cliche tacked on. You already know all of that, as do I. It is head knowledge. The only help one can receive from that is when it becomes heart knowledge, and that’s another thing entirely. God himself has to put it there and we’ve got to open the door.

So, I hope you don’t find yourself “lonely” tonight. And if you do, take a minute to sit in the uncomfortable silence and see what happens. See who talks first…

you…

…or God?